two wordles from my blog:
obama’s acceptance speech wordle:
Make your own wordle at www.wordle.net!
I need a support group…or rehab…or something.
November 7, 2008 at 9:28 pm (Uncategorized)
one happy obama mama
November 4, 2008 at 11:09 pm (Uncategorized)
Tonight…
I feel hope for a new tomorrow.
hope…and peace…and love…and pride
Change is coming.
YES WE CAN!
Posted: 12:20 AM ET
As released by the Obama campaign:
Remarks of President-Elect Barack Obama—as prepared for delivery
Election Night
Tuesday, November 4th, 2008
Chicago, Illinois
If there is anyone out there who still doubts that America is a place where all things are possible; who still wonders if the dream of our founders is alive in our time; who still questions the power of our democracy, tonight is your answer.
It’s the answer told by lines that stretched around schools and churches in numbers this nation has never seen; by people who waited three hours and four hours, many for the very first time in their lives, because they believed that this time must be different; that their voice could be that difference.
It’s the answer spoken by young and old, rich and poor, Democrat and Republican, black, white, Latino, Asian, Native American, gay, straight, disabled and not disabled – Americans who sent a message to the world that we have never been a collection of Red States and Blue States: we are, and always will be, the United States of America.
It’s the answer that led those who have been told for so long by so many to be cynical, and fearful, and doubtful of what we can achieve to put their hands on the arc of history and bend it once more toward the hope of a better day.
It’s been a long time coming, but tonight, because of what we did on this day, in this election, at this defining moment, change has come to America.
I just received a very gracious call from Senator McCain. He fought long and hard in this campaign, and he’s fought even longer and harder for the country he loves. He has endured sacrifices for America that most of us cannot begin to imagine, and we are better off for the service rendered by this brave and selfless leader. I congratulate him and Governor Palin for all they have achieved, and I look forward to working with them to renew this nation’s promise in the months ahead.
I want to thank my partner in this journey, a man who campaigned from his heart and spoke for the men and women he grew up with on the streets of Scranton and rode with on that train home to Delaware, the Vice President-elect of the United States, Joe Biden.
I would not be standing here tonight without the unyielding support of my best friend for the last sixteen years, the rock of our family and the love of my life, our nation’s next First Lady, Michelle Obama. Sasha and Malia, I love you both so much, and you have earned the new puppy that’s coming with us to the White House. And while she’s no longer with us, I know my grandmother is watching, along with the family that made me who I am. I miss them tonight, and know that my debt to them is beyond measure.
To my campaign manager David Plouffe, my chief strategist David Axelrod, and the best campaign team ever assembled in the history of politics – you made this happen, and I am forever grateful for what you’ve sacrificed to get it done.
But above all, I will never forget who this victory truly belongs to – it belongs to you.
I was never the likeliest candidate for this office. We didn’t start with much money or many endorsements. Our campaign was not hatched in the halls of Washington – it began in the backyards of Des Moines and the living rooms of Concord and the front porches of Charleston.
It was built by working men and women who dug into what little savings they had to give five dollars and ten dollars and twenty dollars to this cause. It grew strength from the young people who rejected the myth of their generation’s apathy; who left their homes and their families for jobs that offered little pay and less sleep; from the not-so-young people who braved the bitter cold and scorching heat to knock on the doors of perfect strangers; from the millions of Americans who volunteered, and organized, and proved that more than two centuries later, a government of the people, by the people and for the people has not perished from this Earth. This is your victory.
I know you didn’t do this just to win an election and I know you didn’t do it for me. You did it because you understand the enormity of the task that lies ahead. For even as we celebrate tonight, we know the challenges that tomorrow will bring are the greatest of our lifetime – two wars, a planet in peril, the worst financial crisis in a century. Even as we stand here tonight, we know there are brave Americans waking up in the deserts of Iraq and the mountains of Afghanistan to risk their lives for us. There are mothers and fathers who will lie awake after their children fall asleep and wonder how they’ll make the mortgage, or pay their doctor’s bills, or save enough for college. There is new energy to harness and new jobs to be created; new schools to build and threats to meet and alliances to repair.
The road ahead will be long. Our climb will be steep. We may not get there in one year or even one term, but America – I have never been more hopeful than I am tonight that we will get there. I promise you – we as a people will get there.
There will be setbacks and false starts. There are many who won’t agree with every decision or policy I make as President, and we know that government can’t solve every problem. But I will always be honest with you about the challenges we face. I will listen to you, especially when we disagree. And above all, I will ask you join in the work of remaking this nation the only way it’s been done in America for two-hundred and twenty-one years – block by block, brick by brick, calloused hand by calloused hand.
What began twenty-one months ago in the depths of winter must not end on this autumn night. This victory alone is not the change we seek – it is only the chance for us to make that change. And that cannot happen if we go back to the way things were. It cannot happen without you.
So let us summon a new spirit of patriotism; of service and responsibility where each of us resolves to pitch in and work harder and look after not only ourselves, but each other. Let us remember that if this financial crisis taught us anything, it’s that we cannot have a thriving Wall Street while Main Street suffers – in this country, we rise or fall as one nation; as one people.
Let us resist the temptation to fall back on the same partisanship and pettiness and immaturity that has poisoned our politics for so long. Let us remember that it was a man from this state who first carried the banner of the Republican Party to the White House – a party founded on the values of self-reliance, individual liberty, and national unity. Those are values we all share, and while the Democratic Party has won a great victory tonight, we do so with a measure of humility and determination to heal the divides that have held back our progress. As Lincoln said to a nation far more divided than ours, “We are not enemies, but friends…though passion may have strained it must not break our bonds of affection.” And to those Americans whose support I have yet to earn – I may not have won your vote, but I hear your voices, I need your help, and I will be your President too.
And to all those watching tonight from beyond our shores, from parliaments and palaces to those who are huddled around radios in the forgotten corners of our world – our stories are singular, but our destiny is shared, and a new dawn of American leadership is at hand. To those who would tear this world down – we will defeat you. To those who seek peace and security – we support you. And to all those who have wondered if America’s beacon still burns as bright – tonight we proved once more that the true strength of our nation comes not from our the might of our arms or the scale of our wealth, but from the enduring power of our ideals: democracy, liberty, opportunity, and unyielding hope.
For that is the true genius of America – that America can change. Our union can be perfected. And what we have already achieved gives us hope for what we can and must achieve tomorrow.
This election had many firsts and many stories that will be told for generations. But one that’s on my mind tonight is about a woman who cast her ballot in Atlanta. She’s a lot like the millions of others who stood in line to make their voice heard in this election except for one thing – Ann Nixon Cooper is 106 years old.
She was born just a generation past slavery; a time when there were no cars on the road or planes in the sky; when someone like her couldn’t vote for two reasons – because she was a woman and because of the color of her skin.
And tonight, I think about all that she’s seen throughout her century in America – the heartache and the hope; the struggle and the progress; the times we were told that we can’t, and the people who pressed on with that American creed: Yes we can.
At a time when women’s voices were silenced and their hopes dismissed, she lived to see them stand up and speak out and reach for the ballot. Yes we can.
When there was despair in the dust bowl and depression across the land, she saw a nation conquer fear itself with a New Deal, new jobs and a new sense of common purpose. Yes we can.
When the bombs fell on our harbor and tyranny threatened the world, she was there to witness a generation rise to greatness and a democracy was saved. Yes we can.
She was there for the buses in Montgomery, the hoses in Birmingham, a bridge in Selma, and a preacher from Atlanta who told a people that “We Shall Overcome.” Yes we can.
A man touched down on the moon, a wall came down in Berlin, a world was connected by our own science and imagination. And this year, in this election, she touched her finger to a screen, and cast her vote, because after 106 years in America, through the best of times and the darkest of hours, she knows how America can change. Yes we can.
America, we have come so far. We have seen so much. But there is so much more to do. So tonight, let us ask ourselves – if our children should live to see the next century; if my daughters should be so lucky to live as long as Ann Nixon Cooper, what change will they see? What progress will we have made?
This is our chance to answer that call. This is our moment. This is our time – to put our people back to work and open doors of opportunity for our kids; to restore prosperity and promote the cause of peace; to reclaim the American Dream and reaffirm that fundamental truth – that out of many, we are one; that while we breathe, we hope, and where we are met with cynicism, and doubt, and those who tell us that we can’t, we will respond with that timeless creed that sums up the spirit of a people:
Yes We Can. Thank you, God bless you, and may God Bless the United States of America.
miscellaneous (and I do mean miscellaneous: there’s all kinds of good stuff in here–there’s an arrest warrant, amazing CVS savings, one funny story on stealing political signs, and another funny story on election night party ideas. You should definitely read this post, even if you hate me after the last entry! ;)
November 2, 2008 at 6:42 pm (Uncategorized)
This morning we actually remembered the time change, got up, got ready, and headed out the door to visit a church. It wasn’t quite that simple, actually. Somewhere in there I tried (and failed) to get Jack down for a nap, so during the second half of the morning rush I was holding him in one arm and trying to finish getting ready with the other (I have decided, btw, that he is kind of like a little tree frog, and I am his tree). Also, I have somehow contracted a wicked case of PMS, and I was, as my friend Kellie would say, a holy mess (wait, is that right Kellie? Now that I write it out the adjective doesn’t look right. Please insert the correct adjective if I’ve missed it). Whatever the case, I was a mess. I should be eternally happy since technically there are millions of endorphins bouncing off the nerve endings in my brain (or however that works) from all of the Halloween chocolate I have eaten. But alas, even chocolate isn’t helping. We finally got ourselves out the door, approximately 5 minutes later than we should have left, and I was not happy about the whole thing. I generally dislike visiting new churches, and to walk in late makes me feel even more self-conscious. Matt knew I wasn’t happy (poor soul), so he was trying his hardest to get us there…perhaps a little too quickly. A cop pulled us over and informed Matt that he had clocked him going 42 in a 30. Amélie was instantly terrified and started to cry, so I raised my voice tone a notch and cheerfully declared that it was no big deal that we had just been pulled over and that our weekly food budget (at least) was going to be blown on a stupid speeding ticket (I didn’t word it like that exactly). We were, oh-so-thankfully, blessed with the nicest (and I mean nicest) cop in the whole state, b/c not only did he not care that we did not have current insurance information in the car, but he also let us off with a warning. However, as he handed Matt the warning, he also glibly informed him that there was a warrant out for his arrest in the next state. I must have sucked all of the oxygen in the car in one large, noisy gasp, b/c instantly Amélie, once again, dissolved into tears–and this time she was a wee bit more hysterical. I hope (dear God, how I hope) that she doesn’t know what “warrant for arrest” means and that she will not go to school tomorrow and tell her very sweet teacher and equally sweet classmates that her daddy has a warrant out for his arrest. We have never been in such a predicament before! Matt is in this legal predicament b/c he didn’t pay a parking ticket. Yes, indeed, folks, my husband is a marked criminal. In fact, he’s out with our two kids and the kid of another friend at this moment (Lindsey and Patrick, would you have let your child loose into my criminal husband’s hands had you known his shady past?), so for all I know they are all sitting forlornly in a jail cell right this minute. Actually, the only way he can be arrested is if he crosses over into the next state, so I think we will steer clear of State Line Road for the time being. His parking ticket, btw, is from our head-fracturing incident with Jack. Matt parked, apparently illegally, in the very full parking garage of the hospital after he had dropped his hysterical wife off at the ER’s door. He of course wanted to hurry back in to see if his little boy was going to be OK, and that was the only parking space around. What, exactly, was he supposed to do? Calmly cruise the parking garage and wait for a parking space to open while he is fearing for his son’s life? Who would do that? We plan on appealing that ticket, but we just haven’t gotten around to it yet. Now that little issue is Priority #1.
This afternoon I decided to do my weekly grocery shopping. How I wish I enjoyed grocery shopping. I always think that I am going to enjoy myself b/c I am actually alone. However, approximately 30 minutes into the trip I always feel hemmed in and stressed out. I hate it. The only store I enjoy visiting these days is CVS. I am not the amazing CVS shopper that some people are, but I try. This week, for example, using some coupons and the CVS bucks from my last visit, I bought four 12-packs of Coke products, one package of snack-size Teddy Grahams at 50% off (leftover Halloween treats), one 3-pack of Ivory Soap, one bottle of children’s vitamins, a package of 3×5 dividers, and one tube of Crest Pro-Health Whitening toothpaste–all for $12.75. That’s a deal! What makes it even more of a deal is that I got $9.49 back in CVS bucks, so technically I just spent $3.26. AMAZING! I know. I was very happy. I wish my trip to the grocery store was as inexpensive, but alas, it was not.
Now I am going to leave you with two funny election stories I heard in the past two days. The first one, here, is about the lengths people have gone to secure their political signs after having them stolen. It’s really, really funny. This segment struck a chord w/ me b/c my Obama sign was stolen a couple of weeks ago by some wicked McCain supporter (and then, I might add, a very saintly Obama supporter actually bought me a replacement. Doesn’t that just warm your heart?). So…if you stole my sign think again before stealing it again. I now have a few tricks on sign-protection up my sleeve, and I’m not afraid to use them.
The second funny thing I would like to share with you is another NPR segment on what to do on election night to spice up your time glued to CNN (unless you are a McCain supporter, of course, and then you’ll be glued to Fox). Check it out here. From bingo (just think how much fun it would be to call out “BINGO!” after filling in your last space with a chip on “battleground,” “exit polls,” “electoral map,” or “271″)…to your own blank coloring page of a map of the United States that you can color in blue or red as the night progresses, you are sure to find a way to make election night just a little more fun.
Back from a blogging hiatus….
October 31, 2008 at 1:33 pm (Uncategorized)
I can’t believe it’s been almost 3 weeks since I posted last! I have started at least 4 posts, and I can’t seem to get past the first paragraph. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. So, I think I’ll just write a meandering, rambling post filling you in on what’s been going on with me.
I had my first birth as a doula (almost 3 weeks ago now!), and it was amazing and beautiful and wonderful. I absolutely loved being Kelly’s doula. She did an amazing job. It was just…incredible, and it confirmed to me that I am in the right place as a passionate advocate for birth. I have my next birth coming up in about 5 weeks. I need to start marketing myself so I can come up with more clients. I am so excited about this new journey!
What I’ve really been composing in my head for days and days is a political post, but I.just.can’t.do.it. (As I re-read this entry before posting I realized that I did just what I said I couldn’t do. I’ve written a very political post Ah well.) I’ve had to think about why. Am I a coward? I don’t think so. I incited a riot on Facebook. I’ve been very open about my political views here. I’m certainly not shy about them. I am one pumped up Obama Mama. And I’m proud of that. Whenever I talk about the election, though, I get so passionate that I find myself using a lot of hand gesticulations and vocal intonations that I can’t communicate over a blog entry. Those gesticulations and intonations expose parts of my political passion that I don’t feel ready to post here:
Weariness, for one thing: I am weary of anger and hate. Weary of the propaganda my dad sends me (where does he get ths stuff?). Weary of biting my tongue. Weary of the misleading political ads. Weary of the toxic divisions that are slicing through the harmony of our families, our friends, our nation.
Anger, for another. Anger at one-issue voting, the absence of critical thinking, and the belief that a beefy, Republican Jesus is sitting up in heaven in a 3-piece suit with an elephant lapel pin (right next to his American flag lapel pin, of course). Would I like to believe that he’s up there wearing hip Obama t-shirt instead? You betcha (Oh, gag. I can’t believe I just wrote that), but I don’t plan on condemning to hell those who disagree (I’ll just condemn you to 4 more years of life-as-we-know-it). OK. OK. I’ll stop. See???? I can’t help myself. I am not being very diplomatic. Or presidential (which, you should be the first to know, I plan on pursuing as soon as I take over my daughter’s PTA). I am just going to copy and paste last Thursday’s SojoMail, which, thankfully, is incredibly diplomatic and doesn’t even use the words Nieman Marxist or Joe the Plumber.
My Personal ‘Faith Priorities’ for this Election
by Jim Wallis 10-23-2008
In 2004, several conservative Catholic bishops and a few megachurch pastors like Rick Warren issued their list of “non-negotiables,” which were intended to be a voter guide for their followers. All of them were relatively the same list of issues: abortion, gay marriage, stem cell research, etc. None of them even included the word “poverty,” only one example of the missing issues which are found quite clearly in the Bible. All of them were also relatively the same as official Republican Party Web sites of “non-negotiables.” The political connections and commitments of the religious non-negotiable writers were quite clear.
I want to suggest a different approach this year and share my personal list of “faith priorities” that will guide me in making the imperfect choices that always confront us in any election year — and suggest that each of you come up with your own list of “faith” or “moral” priorities for this election year and take them into the voting booth with you.
After the last election, I wrote a book titled God’s Politics. I was criticized by some for presuming to speak for God, but that wasn’t the point. I was trying to explore what issues might be closest to the heart of God and how they may be quite different from what many strident religious voices were then saying. I was also saying that “God’s Politics” will often turn our partisan politics upside down, transcend our ideological categories of Left and Right, and challenge the core values and priorities of our political culture. I was also trying to say that there is certainly no easy jump from God’s politics to either the Republicans or Democrats. God is neither. In any election, we face imperfect choices, but our choices should reflect the things we believe God cares about if we are people of faith, and our own moral sensibilities if we are not people of faith. Therefore, people of faith, and all of us, should be “values voters” but vote all our values, not just a few that can be easily manipulated for the benefit of one party or another.
In 2008, the kingdom of God is not on the ballot in any of the 50 states as far as I can see. So we can’t vote for that this year. But there are important choices in this year’s election — very important choices — which will dramatically impact what many in the religious community and outside of it call “the common good,” and the outcome could be very important, perhaps even more so than in many recent electoral contests.
I am in no position to tell anyone what is “non-negotiable,” and neither is any bishop or megachurch pastor, but let me tell you the “faith priorities” and values I will be voting on this year:
- With more than 2,000 verses in the Bible about how we treat the poor and oppressed, I will examine the record, plans, policies, and promises made by the candidates on what they will do to overcome the scandal of extreme global poverty and the shame of such unnecessary domestic poverty in the richest nation in the world. Such a central theme of the Bible simply cannot be ignored at election time, as too many Christians have done for years. And any solution to the economic crisis that simply bails out the rich, and even the middle class, but ignores those at the bottom should simply be unacceptable to people of faith.
- From the biblical prophets to Jesus, there is, at least, a biblical presumption against war and the hope of beating our swords into instruments of peace. So I will choose the candidates who will be least likely to lead us into more disastrous wars and find better ways to resolve the inevitable conflicts in the world and make us all safer. I will choose the candidates who seem to best understand that our security depends upon other people’s security (everyone having “their own vine and fig tree, so no one can make them afraid,” as the prophets say) more than upon how high we can build walls or a stockpile of weapons. Christians should never expect a pacifist president, but we can insist on one who views military force only as a very last resort, when all other diplomatic and economic measures have failed, and never as a preferred or habitual response to conflict.
- “Choosing life” is a constant biblical theme, so I will choose candidates who have the most consistent ethic of life, addressing all the threats to human life and dignity that we face — not just one. Thirty-thousand children dying globally each day of preventable hunger and disease is a life issue. The genocide in Darfur is a life issue. Health care is a life issue. War is a life issue. The death penalty is a life issue. And on abortion, I will choose candidates who have the best chance to pursue the practical and proven policies which could dramatically reduce the number of abortions in America and therefore save precious unborn lives, rather than those who simply repeat the polarized legal debates and “pro-choice” and “pro-life” mantras from either side.
- God’s fragile creation is clearly under assault, and I will choose the candidates who will likely be most faithful in our care of the environment. In particular, I will choose the candidates who will most clearly take on the growing threat of climate change, and who have the strongest commitment to the conversion of our economy and way of life to a cleaner, safer, and more renewable energy future. And that choice could accomplish other key moral priorities like the redemption of a dangerous foreign policy built on Middle East oil dependence, and the great prospects of job creation and economic renewal from a new “green” economy built on more spiritual values of conservation, stewardship, sustainability, respect, responsibility, co-dependence, modesty, and even humility.
- Every human being is made in the image of God, so I will choose the candidates who are most likely to protect human rights and human dignity. Sexual and economic slavery is on the rise around the world, and an end to human trafficking must become a top priority. As many religious leaders have now said, torture is completely morally unacceptable, under any circumstances, and I will choose the candidates who are most committed to reversing American policy on the treatment of prisoners. And I will choose the candidates who understand that the immigration system is totally broken and needs comprehensive reform, but must be changed in ways that are compassionate, fair, just, and consistent with the biblical command to “welcome the stranger.”
- Healthy families are the foundation of our community life, and nothing is more important than how we are raising up the next generation. As the father of two young boys, I am deeply concerned about the values our leaders model in the midst of the cultural degeneracy assaulting our children. Which candidates will best exemplify and articulate strong family values, using the White House and other offices as bully pulpits to speak of sexual restraint and integrity, marital fidelity, strong parenting, and putting family values over economic values? And I will choose the candidates who promise to really deal with the enormous economic and cultural pressures that have made parenting such a “countercultural activity” in America today, rather than those who merely scapegoat gay people for the serious problems of heterosexual family breakdown.
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And to that I say, Amen.
Whatever your politcial persuasion, I do encourage you to go out and vote, even if, under some sort of delusional spell, you should accidentally check the “McCain” box rather than the “Obama” one. 
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Oh, one more thing. Just one. I’m not a huge fan of whole lot of Christian music (rhyming clichés just don’t transport me to spiritual ecstasy, for some reason), but there is a song by Todd Agnew that I could just listen to again and again. It wraps up nicely where I am emotionally, spiritually, and, yes, politically. This, btw, is the “unedited” version of the song (not played so much on Christian radio, I’m guessing) where he uses the word (gasp) “slut” and announces that he doesn’t want to be a (gasp) “poster child for American prosperity.”
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And one more last thing (really, this is the last thing. I promise). Please don’t hate me. As I wrote to my dad yesterday, “I love you…even though we totally disagree.”
Announcing…
October 11, 2008 at 10:24 am (Uncategorized)
…the “birth” of my new business, Sacred Journey Doula Services, and my new website, www.jillclingan.com.
Let me know what you think (and feel free to offer suggestions or point out typos)!.
the week that was
October 10, 2008 at 3:02 pm (Uncategorized)
I’ve been itching to get a new post up all week, and I’ve actually started two of them, but I never finished. Such has been my week!
At least it’s not last week, though, right? Yesterday I was telling someone about Jack’s accident and I said, “Last Monday Jack…” and I thought to myself last Monday??? It just seems like forever ago. Jack is doing wonderfully. I am doing much better, too, although every once in awhile I get heart-squeezing flashbacks of the moment after he fell, and then my overactive imagination goes into overdrive and starts imagining things that could happen. I need to come up with some sort of thought-kickboxing-move to kick those thoughts away. I know they do me absolutely no good.
Thanks, one more time, for the love, prayers, e-mails, texts, phone calls, the PTSD brownies (Pam), and the incredibly delicious dinner (Patrick, Lindsey, and Sydney). It’s great to have wonderful friends!!
We had another interesting thing happen last week. Matt turned down a contract-to-hire job offer. It wouldn’t be that big of a deal, I suppose, if that job offer did not include a 50% raise. Yes, that’s a fifty. 5-0. The money would have been incredibly nice. No more profuse sweating as the numbers add up at the grocery store. No more Mylanta-chugging while paying bills. No more heavy sighs while writing out a mortgage check for a house we aren’t even living in. We just didn’t feel right about it, though. First, it’s a contract position, which means no absolute guarantee that a job would be offered at the end of the contract. Second, it wasn’t really something Matt would have been terribly excited about doing. Third, we’ve been only doing this work-at-home thing for 2 months, and I don’t think any of us are ready to give that up yet. Matt has lunch with us almost every day. He gets hugs and kisses from 2 cute kids when he comes downstairs for coffee refills. Some things really are priceless. We know that this setup is probably temporary. But we just aren’t ready to move on yet. In the meantime, it’s lowering the house listing price again and grocery shopping at Aldi’s and working my way through 101 creative ways to cook beans (mmmm…like that red beans and coconut rice recipe I shared awhile ago. That’s a pleasant way to cook beans!).
In other news, my client (ahem, you know who you are) has not had her baby yet. She’s due on Sunday, and I am just so, so excited to be her doula. So, um, any day now (any minute now…any second now…)…. ;) I also have another doula client! Woo-hoo! I met the couple today, and I just can’t wait to be their doula!
I think that’s all the newsy news I have to share. Hope you all have a great weekend.
clarification
October 3, 2008 at 3:53 pm (Uncategorized)
So there were a couple of recent comments (from Paul and Teason) that totally confused me. “Amélie with blonde hair?” “Who says pigtails are just for girls?” I was REALLY, REALLY confused. Until I looked at the following picture which shows Jack with BEDHEAD, folks, not pigtails. 
hospital pictures
October 2, 2008 at 7:51 pm (Uncategorized)
Here are the promised pictures. They are from “day 2″ at the hospital, and by that time Jack was happy and spunky and ready to get out of his little PICU room. Pictures from “day 1″ would certainly have not been so cute and perky. The CAT scan picture was from his second scan at 4:00 on Tuesday morning, and he was a little loopy while under the influence of some drug I wish I could have snagged.
Even though these pictures are fairly happy ones, I have a hard time looking at them. The main word I think of when I think about Monday is “horror.” Tonight as I was rocking him, kissing the top of his blond little head, and thanking God over and over for the gift of him, I just kept trying to shake the image out of my mind that moment when I thought I had lost him forever. I also thought back to that moment when I was carrying him down the hall to his first CAT scan and he was stroking my hair and I thought to myself, “Even if he has brain damage, at least he is still loving and affectionate. If my baby can still lovingly stroke my hair like this, I can be OK.” Then, later, when he smiled at me, I thought again, “Even if he’s not the same little boy he was this morning, at least he can smile at me. I love that smile. If I can see that smile, I’ll be OK.” Now I just look at my perfect little boy in absolute wonder. I love him. I know you all know that already, and I certainly knew it as well, but you’ve got to understand, I thought I had lost him, and I didn’t. He’s alive. He’s babbling and laughing and trying at every possible opportunity to engage in the very dangerous activities he has been strictly ordered not to participate in. I have suddenly become a Hellicopter Mama, but that’s OK. I’m just so happy to be his mama.
Enjoy the pictures, and feel free to stop by anytime and kiss the top of his cute head.
Jack’s 2nd CAT scan
Before the second CAT scan (or maybe after–I can’t remember)
I may be falling out of my hosital gown, but I don’t even care!
Vroom. Vroom. (His arm wasn’t injured, btw. The nurses wrapped up his arm so he wouldn’t yank out the IV)
A view of the hardest, noisiest crib ever.
I love my Papa.
I love my Nana too.
I love those eyes.
I just can’t quit kissing that head.
I am ready to go HOME!
I rule the PICU!
The scariest day of my life
October 1, 2008 at 9:37 am (Uncategorized)
I think a lot of you already know at least part of our scary story from Monday, but here are the details. I am just writing fast to get it out–there was nothing poetic about our experience, so I’m not even trying to write “well.” (Why do I feel like I need to make that disclaimer?!) First, though, I want to thank ALL of you who e-mailed, texted, called, or commented on Facebook offering your love, support, prayers, and offers of help. We really, really appreciate you all. Wow. What a blessing that was.
So here’s what happened. On Monday morning I left to go get Amélie from kindergarten, but I left Jack at home because he was still napping. By the time we got home, he was awake with Daddy and the dogs on our side deck. As we walked up the steps there was a lot of excitement and commotion (big sis coming home from school is a big deal–every day), and Jack just stepped backwards…off of the deck and onto the cement below. He landed on his back, and I immediately screamed and absolutely panicked, because as I looked at him lying flat and motionless on his back staring up at the sky, I thought he was dead. The image of that moment keeps flashing through my head over and over again. I can’t shake it. It was the most terrifying moment of my life. Matt yelled at me to go pick him up (I had not yet gone up the steps), but that little voice from my CPR/First Aid class told me that wasn’t a good idea. Plus, I was scared to go to him, and I felt frozen. I stood there and screamed, but I couldn’t move. Matt got to him and picked him up (which, I know, wasn’t a good idea–we should have called 911 and left him there until an ambulance arrived–but who is thinking logically when their baby boy is lying motionless on the ground???) and then I knew he wasn’t dead. However, he wasn’t crying or yelling. He whimpered a tiny bit, but mostly he just stared vacantly into space. Amélie ran into her room, flopped onto her bed, hugged her bunny, and started sobbing. We got her out of her room, and after a couple of frantic moments (was he going to snap out of this? was he going to die on us?) we got in the car and headed to the hospital. I was holding Jack in my lap (again, not a good idea, but I was terrified and thinking that he was going to die, and I wasn’t about to watch him die in his carseat), and Matt raced to the hospital, running lights and speeding way too fast. I was frantically trying to keep Jack awake because I was terrified that he was going to fall asleep and die, and poor Amélie was yelling pitifully at me whenever she saw his eyes close. It seemed like it took us FOREVER to get there. I just looked it up, though, and the hospital is exactly 1.8 miles from my house. That is the LONGEST 1.8 miles I have ever ridden. There was no real parking in front of the emergency room, so Matt let me off at the door and I ran screaming into the building. They let me right in (God help the person who would have tried to stop me), and an incredibly calm intake nurse asked me for his name, date of birth, etc. I was just about to hit him. Everyone was so flippin’ CALM and they seemed to move so SLOWLY. I was not calm. Hysterical would be a better word. Finally we saw a doctor (I say finally, but I’m sure it was only a moment or two after we flew through the door), and he assessed Jack’s condition and decided to do a CAT scan. Meanwhile, Jack was incredibly droopy. He was dazed, not responsive to stimuli (when the doctor pinched him, for example), and he still wasn’t crying. He had also thrown up by this point, and I seemed to remember that throwing up after a head injury was a big sign. I still don’t know if that is true or not, but it fueled my panic. I carried him to radiology, and as I held him he had his arms wrapped around my neck and he stroked my hair, which gave me such hope. He always strokes my hair when he is sad or sleepy, and I was so relieved to feel this little act of recognition and love. He was very calm for the CAT scan, which worried me. He seemed a little scared, but mostly he was still acting very drowsy and lethargic. He didn’t know (or care) where he was, and he didn’t even seem to know who we were. I was able to be there with him during the scan, and as the machine took pictures of his brain I sang to him. Jack’s middle name is David, after my grandpa, and my grandpa’s favorite hymn is “Day by Day.” Ever since he was born I have sung that song to him to help him relax to go to sleep or whenever he is scared or hurt. I got as close to him as possible and sang, and the familiar tune and familiar voice seemed to comfort him. After the CAT scan, the doctor told us that his brain appeared normal, but that he had a fractured skull. While I normally would be quite upset at the thought of my baby with a broken head, I was so relieved that he didn’t appear to have brain damage that I took this as good news. He was still not acting right at all, though, so the doctor decided to admit him to pediatric ICU. Matt’s mom came to pick Amélie up (which was such a blessing, b/c that poor little girl was so scared. As if being terrified that her baby brother was hurt wasn’t enough, the ER wasn’t exactly the greatest place for a sensitive 5-year-old to be–the sights, the sounds, the smells, the guy in handcuffs being escorted in by 3 police officers….). My parents arrived a little bit later, and it was encouraging to have them there. I needed as much reassurance and support as I could get. Before Jack went to PICU, the nurses came to put in an IV. However, they couldn’t get to his little veins until after 3 jabs (the feat was finally performed by a nurse whose hands were shaking so badly that I do not know HOW she ever got that needle into his tiny vein!). By the time we actually were admitted to PICU, Jack was doing considerably better. He had started to smile, jabber a little bit, and protest the fact that he was lying flat on his back. Plus, the poor boy was starving. He hadn’t eaten since breakfast, and by this time it was 4:30 or so. They finally let him sit up, drink some juice, and eat a popsicle, and that perked him up considerably. He steadily improved over the next few hours. He did not want to be confined to his room, so we let him wander a bit through the PICU. The only problem was that he had a security ankle bracelet on, and he kept activating the alarms, despite our best efforts to keep him away from the sensors. We finally concluded that if we didn’t want to be hated by the nurses we needed to keep him in his room, which was easier said than done. Sometimes he would go over to the room’s sliding glass door, stick his arm out, and wave at the nurses who walked the halls outside his cell. This little act was endearing to them, and those antics, combined with his smile, big blue eyes, and sweetness won them over quite quickly. At 4:00 yesterday morning he had another CAT scan, and when they woke me up to tell me they were wheeling him in his bed down to radiology, they encouraged me to stay in the hard little fold-out bed (where I had hardly slept all night) because he was still asleep, and they said if he woke up they would give him some medicine to help him go back to sleep so that movement wouldn’t mess up the scan. They forgot to deactivate his security bracelet, however, so when he set the alarms off, yet again, he woke up scared and crying. I was SO GLAD this happened, b/c then I of course went with him to radiology, where he was awake and remained that way despite the maximum amount of whatever drug they gave him. He looked a little loopy, but he knew he wanted me right there, and he wasn’t about to let me out of his sight. Thankfully the results of this scan showed no bleeding or swelling in his brain, so after spending hours seeing doctor after doctor after doctor getting an “OK” on his status, we finally saw the head doctor in neurosugery, and he gave us his blessing to leave. The last hurdle was to talk to a social worker, which scared me to death (who wants to be the one falsely accused of pushing their child off of a deck???), but I’m sure it was pretty obvious that our little guy was well-loved and happy with his mommy and daddy, and she, too, gave us her blessing to leave.
Now we’re home, and I feel a bit like my emotions have been through the shredder. Last night as I was driving home from picking up Amélie I finally fell apart and just sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. (Thankfully Amélie and Jack were with Matt in the car, so the only witnesses to my emotional spectacle were the dogs.) We all slept really well last night, and this morning I was absolutely joyful at the chaos of a normal school morning in our house. I am so thankful. so blessed. I have never prayed so hard or so frantically in my whole life, and I am thankful that he is OK. I hope I never, ever have to go through something so horrible again…..
(I have some pictures to post, but I don’t have time to do it right now. I’ll try to post them later.)
